Spacious Perspicacious

Anonymous asked: Please explain the steps you went through to not be bothered by your ex-fuck buddy getting a girlfriend? I had somebody like that, then we dated, then we broke up but we still had sex up until a couple weeks ago, he also sleeps with other people, including his ex-girlfriend, who he cheated on me with when we were together. I know I'm supposed to get over him, and he's my best mate so I do honestly want him to be happy. How do you manage to get over an ex-lover?

(Rebloggable)

Oh that is such a difficult question. :(

Errrrrrrr.

I’m not sure if there are steps. But I am going to write some steps anyway. I pulled them out of my arse, a bit. I am half-expecting them to get me some hate mail.

I AM NOT ANY KIND OF MENTAL HEALTH/RELATIONSHIP/THERAPIST PROFESSIONAL. Follow these steps at your own risk. Remember that I am weird.

How to unlearn loads of relationship crap by Lotte

Spend a day or two of each of these steps. Not necessarily in this order, but ONE AT A TIME. Trust me, it’s easier that way. For each step, make time each day, in advance. Plan to spend, for example, three sessions of five minutes. Have a notepad and pen, type it into 750words.com, keep a vlog, or just mutter madly to yourself like a nutter. I go for the latter, and sometimes 750words.com.

• Nobody owes you anything. Think about the ways you feel someone owes you something and why. Doesn’t have to be a relationship person; it can be your mum or the milkman or your cat. It might be more “fun” if you pick an ex or current partner. Pick a different person each time you do this. Remember that it’s okay to feel stuff like this. It’s okay to feel like someone owes you, for example, because you were together for two years, or because you love them, or because they love you, or because you had sex with them, or because you have them birthday presents, or whatever. What do you feel that they owe you? Then ask yourself if this person really does owe you anything, and why. Imagine what things would be like if you didn’t feel like they owed you. Consider the idea that someone’s actions and memories have nothing to do with the present.
• You don’t owe anyone anything. Pick someone, and think about what you feel you owe them. Do you feel you owe them friendship, civility, love, time, sane conversation, support? Then stop, and think about why you might actually owe them these things.
• Your love is infinite. Lots of people will be familiar with this. You have lots of love to give, and how you feel about one person has nothing to do with how you feel about another person. Pick someone and think about how you feel about them, and in which ways you love someone. Try and find the sneaky love that you’re not expecting, too. (Eg: You might love a bunch of your exes even if you know you’re not supposed to.) Now pick someone else and think about how you feel about them. Imagine something changes with relationship A. (Maybe you start having sex, or stop having sex, or they die, or they adopt your babies, or something.) Does that change anything about relationship B? If so, why? Are they good reasons?
• Everyone else’s love is infinite. Those two people you were thinking about yesterday? Think about them again, but think about them loving you, for whatever reason. Think about how they might/do think about each other. Then imagine that something changes between them. (Maybe they start having sex, or stop having sex, or they die, or they adopt each other’s babies, or something.) Can you think of a really good reason that they’d change the way they think/feel about you? Do you think that reason would/could cause such a change?
• Expectations are bollocks. Pick someone. Think about what you expect from the future with them. Do you think they expect the same thing exactly? Can they both happen? Now imagine it changing to something else. Then imagine that changing to something else. Which is your favourite? Why? Consider that all futures are imaginary. 
• Territory/possession is bollocks. Imagine a specific someone of your choosing has a sign or a t-shirt or something that says “I belong to [your name here].” How would people treat them differently? If you were wearing a similar t-shirt, how would you feel when people treated you accordingly? Do you like or dislike the idea of other people treating this specific someone as if they are really wearing this t-shirt? And now for the important question. Are they actually wearing this t-shirt?
• It’s okay if someone doesn’t love you. Think of someone who doesn’t love you and never has. Someone you met at a bus stop, or something. Think about how their lack of love has no impact on your day-to-day life/feelings, or your wholeness as a person. Is their lack of love anything to do with you and your actions? If they loved you, would you gain anything? Think of someone who doesn’t love you, and whose lack of love saddens you. Why is it different with them? Are these good reasons?
• Love imbalance is okay. Think of a thing you’re a fan of. TV show, band, whatever. This thing doesn’t know you exist, right? Think of the ways you enjoy loving it in a way that isn’t reciprocated. Think about what would change if it knew of your existence. Think about whether you enjoy loving them. Is this different for people who know you personally, and maybe also love you back? If so, why?
• Sex is no different to other kinds of intimacy. Think of a non-sexual but positive relationship you have. Family member, work colleague, milkman, whatever. Think of ways you express this positivity. (A smile when you get to work, holding hands to cross the road, anything at all.) Consider whether you enjoy any of these more than any of the others. Why? Does this make them objectively better in some way? If someone else preferred a different way, what does that mean to you? If you prefer sex sometimes, is this any different? If so, why?
• You can’t lose a person. Are you having actual sex with someone right this second? If so, please just stop for a bit to do this. Think of all the people you’re not having sex with right this second. Are they present in your life? If so, why? Pick one at random. Random, I said. Imagine that they proposition you. Consider whether or not this makes them more present in your life, and why. Now think of someone close to you. Are they standing right next to you? If they’re not in your presence and you don’t know where they are, does that mean they’re gone? Does this person entering or leaving your presence affect how “there” they are?
• There is no power over you. This one is easy. Think of someone you love very very much. They’re probably flawed, due to not being some kind of deity. If they told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Why, or why not? If you scale it down to something more mundane, like making a cup of tea instead of suicide, does your feeling of autonomy change? If so, think about reasons why this may be the case. Are any of them really good reasons? What is a good reason?
• You have no power over anyone. Think of someone you love very very much. Would you want them to jump off a cliff if someone asked them to? Why, or why not? If you scale it down to something more mundane, does your desire for their autonomy change? Why, or why not? And most importantly, consider whether or not you feel you should be an exception to this. Are any of them really good reasons?
• These steps apply to everyone. Do you feel that anyone should be exempt? Why, or why not? Imagine how life would be if these steps applied to everyone.

I’m not even kidding. If anyone is mad enough to want to do this (without suing me), I’d love to hear about how it goes.