I have to laugh or I will scream/cry/kill people.

My message:

“Hi, here’s my item! [Photograph, measurements.] Collection only and bring friends to help you carry it out, because I have no vehicle or muscles. Getting rid of this ASAP is a priority, so when you email, tell me when you can collect. Thanks!”

Responses: Usually at least 20 in the first 24 hours, many of whom don’t reply, with several who email after I’ve posted to say it’s gone.

“HI CAN WE HAVE THIS PLEASE” All caps, no punctuation, no name, no number, no time, what makes you think I will choose you?

(With no previous communication except general post to all Freecycle members.) “Hi, thank you for your kind offer. Please call between the hours of 8am and 1pm Monday to Friday to arrange collection.” HAHAHAHAHA no I want this gone now to an actual person rather than a company that won’t admit it.

“Can you save it for me for two weeks?” Um, no.

“Can you deliver?” Um, no.

“Can you dismantle these and post them?” Um, no.

“My daughter would like these.” How nice for you.

Collection time:

“I came round but I couldn’t open the gate so I went home and I don’t want the stuff any more.” You are an idiot. The gate doesn’t even lock.

[No show] You are a dick.

“Can I have this other random stuff in your house?” What the HELL. Yes, just help yourself to my worldly goods.

“I didn’t come round but I still want it, can I come next week?” You are also a dick.

[Feeble person shows up] “Hi, I’m here to get the enormous hardwood wardrobe!” Good luck with that.